Loneliness

Dearest J,

I had a moment where my partner said really hurtful things to me today, to the point where I actually went numb (and am still numb).

I watched a video from this woman (below) and it helped, but in a way I’m also just questioning — is God real, does God exist, why was God “engineered in our minds” this way, and is this actually true.

All of it makes me sad as well, because I think I’m losing not only my faith … but my self esteem.

I didn’t hear any “I am” statements that stood out to me, but instead it was a lot about how God is good. But the thing is, I just don’t know.

I was spoken really down. I was called names, likes a loser, that I have no friends, that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not respected, I was reminded of all the things in my past (before becoming “saved”). It made me feel numb, and like I don’t matter. Especially because I relocated for this person, across the country, and today I finally registered my car in the state. I got car insurance and insured him too.

I get concerned, because I don’t know where to exist. In some ways he’s right — I don’t have a lot of friends, but it’s not like I don’t have any. And any I’ve lost have been fake friends anyway, and most are definitely NOT Christians anyways.

But would I go live with my parents? Go back to the state my car was JUST formerly insured in, and registered in? It’s frustrating because I lost so much of my sanity this week dealing with my car stuff, and I fell behind even in my work trying to manage it all.

And now being told all this stuff by this guy. I don’t know, it feels horrible and disgusting.

And TBH, I’m struggling to want to ever be in a relationship again after all this. I’ve had my heart broken before, and I don’t really like having to continually deal with it.

If God is real, does God love me enough to stop hurting me through other people? That’s what it’s feeling like. Even if what they sound like is more demonic than angelic. For sure demonic, I guess I should say.

I’m broken hearted. I don’t have too many more words. But I cannot continue to be codependent on someone who is very hurtful — and I’d need to figure out not only what kind of life I’d want to live, but what kind of health insurance I’d have, etc.

I have to figure out my taxes now, and that’s a priority. I was going to travel to NYC with this person, and now I’m questioning if I should go. I’m very hurt.

Dear Lord, please help me if you’re out there. I pray this every night. But I’m hurting, deeply. Lord, please help me. Amen, Fay <3