Questioning the monastic order, plus embracing God’s word vs abusive words

Dearest J,

I dunno. I spoke to my mom yesterday, and she said if I’m going to become a “monk” (within this monastic order) then they’re probably woke and to be avoided. She’s not wrong, and at this point I’m wondering if I should just leave it all behind — I’m seriously thinking to do so, anyways.

I told her my partner doesn’t ever want to get a legal marriage — and now when I asked him about it last night, he said it’s because he’s afraid I’d leave him homeless, in the street, financially speaking. Which was weird because HE was the one who’s often told me he has zero issues throwing me out in the street, or having me sleep in my car, and has forced me into voluntary temporary homelessness. I was really shocked by that, because I’m the one who educated him on paying off his students loans, and getting him to invest and basically MULTIPLY my income.

So today I went to church and the sermon was so good I stayed for both services. It was about memorizing scripture and speaking it over yourself … and it reminded me that even though my partner has been so hurtful, and is a non-believer, and even though I constantly question God, Jesus, the universe, astrology, and everything “woo” — yes I realize the universe, astrology and everything “woo” is not “Christian per se” but more new age, but whatever — I do think that God has put his LAW out there … which is a lot of “I AM” statements. Enter Joel Osteen (but yeah I do think some of the I AM stuff is really helpful when dealing with depression).

And so yeah. I have been checking out the CHANI app but it has not been that accurate for me. I also love the energy of this lady (below) but who knows if any of this is true.

When I look at my chart, I can identify that it’s true, but then the weekly readings, sound less true to me.