Dearest J,

I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A DOORMAT. I was reading CoDA stuff on my iPad at a coffee shop, and a dude next to me was like, “ohhh is that A Course in Miracles?” pointing to my book. Yes, I said. I study ACIM. “Have you read it?” I asked. “Of course, I read a ton of stuff over the last few years, more than I can remember”.

Immediately I thought to myself, oh ok. So he just sees ACIM as “just another book” rather than a scripture to be studied and taken seriously.

He then went on to talk to me for literally an hour or two STRAIGHT about a bunch of stuff. He said some interesting things, and I am glad he gave me a book recommendation, but holy fucking shit. He would not stop talking, and I just sat there like a doormat taking it all in.

Enter my CoDA issues. Codependency is me as a doormat, unable to say “shut the fuck up, I need you to respect my time”. Instead, I just sit there and nod, too ashamed to say anything because this dude is sitting next to me. Similar to some person talking to you nonstop on an airplane, this was the same situation. What am I supposed to do?

Well, I’m learning I need a more polite way to say “no”.

Same with my mom, who texted me asking about all this personal information I simply didn’t want to share, and then bringing up my past and hospitalizations, and mental health challenges. What the actual fuck? She called to facetime and I was able to tell her to her face, “if you bring up my hospitalization one more time, I’m not going to talk to you anymore”. It’s been, by the way, 2.5 years since then, and I’m getting debt collectors calling saying the charity application I was approved for never actually was received, and I’m basically fucked. So not only do I have to deal with the payment shit, I have to deal with my mom basically bringing this up to my ENTIRE FAMILY again. As in, reliving the trauma, over and over, and not letting it go. It’s so fucking frustrating, I cannot tell you. And in that case — I told her I am not a doormat.

I set a boundary. I told her not to call or text everyday anymore. I told her I want to speak once a week to twice a month (every other week). And that I will be unfollowing her on Facebook, because ever since I added her back, she’s been essentially obsessed with talking to me and worrying her butt off about me, which makes me feel like a “pity victim” which I never asked to be signed up for.

And so yeah. I’m really fucking pissed off. This is a pissy post, because I’m TIRED of being a fucking loser!

And also — I’m in this Power of 5 group for CoDA, and yet they’re already on question 19. Is that good or bad? It’s like on step 2.75. UGH.

Anyways, thanks for listening J.

<3