I’m Pissed

Dearest J,

I am sincerely pissed and I don’t even know what else to say. About that. I’m feeling angry in EVERY FACET OF MY LIFE.

I’ve failed at ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANTED TO DO. And also, I feel like I’m over the top with the things I say. I don’t even really believe in myself at all. I don’t know who I even AM ANYMORE. I don’t fit into this Christian mold of the perfect marriage, the perfect partner, the perfect ANYTHING and I’m so fucking angry that I’m starting to curse again.

What is going on. I don’t know what’s going on.

Am I sinning? I am being extremely procrastination-y. I don’t even know how to move on from this horrible feeling.

I’m listening to white-noise and I need to take a walk. At least I cut the edge off my hunger. But I’m insanely angry. I’m INSANELY angry, and I don’t even know what to do.

I waste money. Time. Resources. I USE PEOPLE. I feel so annoyed with myself, and at LEAST I have this … which is honest communication with my J. My Jesus. My JOURNAL. Whatever the fuck this is. I’m so pissed. At least I have this. At least I have the ability to write. To journal. It’s all I feel like doing. There have been times I didn’t want to do this. But that’s that.

I think that’s also why I am so incredibly pissed at my family, and I am getting to the point where I just don’t want to live anymore. WHAT AM I LIVING FOR?! What even EXCITES me anymore.

I looked at LinkedIn today, and all I could see was the successes and failures of people I didn’t even know.

I changed my header, but at this point I don’t know what to even “call” myself … nor am I particularly excited about even being on LinkedIn or social media. It’s all so annoying. I feel like Ecclesiastes is the only person I can really relate to right now. It’s just so fucking annoying. I also want to stop cursing, but I think in this case it summarizes the anger that I feel right now.

I took off my long nails and I clipped them very short.

If I’m pissed, what do I do? I go for a walk.

I can figure out what I want to do … otherwise.

I can completely ignore EVERYONE and everything … and not look or have FOMO. I can ignore the world.