How Church Failed Me

Dearest J,

I have attended several churches throughout my life.

Today, because I’m in-between locations, I’ve been in the same state my parents live in (as I’m staying at their home). I went to my old pastor’s home for a Saturday might 20s-30s meetup. Which was great, because I got to also interface with some people around my age.

But at the very end, as I’m ready to leave, the pastors wife comes up to me, and says “just because you came to my home tonight, doesn’t mean you’re not coming to our church tomorrow on Sunday, right?” I didn’t really understand her question and she repeated it again. And then proceeded to pinch my arm with BOTH her hands, very hard. And said, “do you get it?” After seeing my discomfort and still continuing to pinch, she said, “this isn’t helping, is it … ” and I firmly said “NO” and she stopped.

Prior in the night, the thought of attending did go through my head, mostly also feeling guilty about just coming to their house and that it’d be rude to not attend their church the next day, but still being open to the possibility because why not. However, whatever possibility was there in my head pretty much much went out of the window because of her putting me on the spot like that. And physically trying to get me to come, through a tactic you’d use on a child. It was not cool.

If someone is trying to force me to go to their church, I’m not about it. And here’s why.

I would go only to church for a relationship with GOD. I’m not going by manipulation tactics by a pastors wife.

Church attendance does not replace my relationship to God, nor does it make me more “holy” or more “Christian”.

I was saved by faith. Period.

Yes, biblically speaking, we are to build a church and attend.

However, my relationship to God and faith are handled on a daily basis. I’m in the Bible EVERY DAY. And if I had a little more clarity over where I’d be living long-term, I’d be going to that church on a weekly basis, which I did prior to moving home with my parents during this in-between phase.

I’m tired of other Christians asking me if I’m Christian, just because I tend to ask a LOT of questions about the Bible.

Christians should not be raising eyebrows due to lack of church attendance or asking questions. They should be welcoming and not make people feel bad. EVER.

Also, I’m not sure where I want to live long term, and going to a church only to come in and out and say goodbye shortly thereafter is NOT a good feeling.

Not only does this look bad from Christian to Christian, but why are we doing this to non-Christians, or Christians who are dealing with in-between seasons, or are on the fence? Why?!

I have a complicated relationship with God and the church. This was an evangelical, but fairly fundamentalist, church that ended up not feeling healthy for me and actually fueled me to move cross country and is part of the testimony of how I ended up finding Fay’s Bible, and founded fayth.org.

Because for me, Jesus and God, and the Holy Spirit go far BEYOND the walls of one church. And they really made me feel like I was obligated to go there to maintain relationship with other believers. It’s beyond “faith” and “dogma” and “shoulds” — it’s FAYTH with Yahweh. It’s personal and direct with God. For me especially, I find that in the WORD, through prayer, and through journaling. Sometimes a really good snippet of what someone says. Sometimes a sermon. But not necessarily through a pastor’s filter, as that’s not a requirement. Though I really love church, that will never replace my own relationship to Christ.

For me, that church became a place where if I didn’t go, I was asked what was wrong, or things just got awkward. Like I had to go, otherwise things are weird. I went because to be a “good Christian” with a “healthy relationship to God” equated to attending church, getting involved, and throwing out all my old stuff, my “idols” and throw out my entire old identity, rather than bring that along to calmly hear God’s voice through it. No, it was very loud, and abrasive, and clubbish. Almost cultish. And that’s not cool.

This is the same pastor’s wife I went on a trip to Israel with, a trip where I asked a LOT of questions from the guides and the people teaching us Biblical history. I heard through the grapevine her and the pastor wondering if they should tell me literally, that “I’m asking too many questions” … and distracting the guides from doing their jobs. Yeah, seriously. Even though I paid nearly 5k to go to Israel and learn from religious guides there.

First of all, church should feel like a safe space, and a place to be challenged, but also made to feel like a haven … like a place to breathe fresh air. A holy place, that makes you feel WHOLLY: free from feelings of guilty, shame, and condemnation in direct connection to your attendance there.

This isn’t prison, or high school, or a place where people are taking grades or watching your back. This is CHURCH.

We, as Christians, ARE the church.

THAT is what church is. I carry church with me everywhere, it’s in my life walk. It’s in my connection with others, in and out of church. Life is my church. And yes, sometimes actual church attendance is very loved (and before I was living cross country, I was going every week where I initially got baptized).

Regardless of if I miss church one week, two weeks, two months, even two years, or even a whole lifetime, that doesn’t take away the fact that I’m a Christian. That doesn’t take away from my faith in God, and my prayer life with Jesus. It just means that that particular church has failed me, and it may take some time to get comfortable going there again.

Church hurt or non-church attendance ≠ Not walking on a path of faith with Yahweh

And if I attend another church in between seasons, that might not necessarily be the answer. I shouldn’t just go to church every Sunday out of obligation, but because God is calling me there.

And if God is calling me into occasional digital sermons, and daily prayer and deep connection and blogging about what I’m learning about the Bible, then that’s the season he’s put me in and I’m OK WITH THAT.

Also, if I’m dealing with stuff, or church hurt, or have moved across the country, or literally ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, I do not believe it’s wise for other Christians to push going to church (or following any Christian “RULES” in general) on others. We are to support each other — and be there. And if I want to talk about my reasons, fine. If I don’t, then fine. But do not force me, especially physically, and guilting me, to attend.

That’s just completely unacceptable. PERIOD.

Sorry for this rant … I probably could continue to back it up with scripture, but as someone who has a complicated relationship with faith, however a very REAL one and that’s probably more in depth than most people, I’d ask all pastors wives to stop pinching people to come to their church. It’s not a good method of getting people to come, mmmkkkkayyyyy?

UPDATE:

I did end up going the next day. One, because I wanted to, but also I just felt too rude not to. UGH. Did I enjoy my time there? I didn’t learn anything. The whole sermon was about reading your Bible. And as we know, reading the Bible and studying faith takes up a large part of my daily life. It was nice seeing humans, though. Also the pastor made a point the talk to me about me being welcome there, and then me having to go into explaining myself for a bit and my reasoning. So annoying. But ok. Probably connected to PDA / Autism (see my next post!)