Dearest J,

It’s Sunday and I’m going through a kind of challenging time at the moment. I’m going through a breakup (again) after a very difficult situation which has actually devolved into domestic violence. It’s difficult for me to even say that out loud, because I don’t want to actually admit to others that this is what’s happening, but unfortunately, this is the case. In addition, my sponsor said that if I don’t get some more guidance on resources on this from professionals within 7 days, she’s going to step down as my mentor. Which really hurt to be honest, because I guess she’s trying to set boundaries for the both of us, even though I feel more abandoned than anything else.

For anyone else who might be experiencing domestic violence and would like a Biblical resource for that, this is sometihng I would highly recommend reading:

What the Bible says about domestic violence - SAFER: https://www.saferresource.org.au/the_bible_on_domestic_family_violence

So I’m in a pretty precarious situation.

Also I really retreated from my partner for a few days, because it got to be a very bad psychological and emotional situation for me.

Then, yesterday we had lunch and discussed things a bit more, and I realize he’s been projecting a LOT of his opinions onto me, and I just kind of sit there and listen instead of interrupting him (for example, he’ll assume my political and theological positions). So yesterday I asked him to just simply ask me his thoughts on what I think, and he asked me, what my opinion of “hell” was.

And I answered him, with I guess more of “A Course in Miracles” (ACIM’s) answer: yes it might exist, it might not, there might be purgatory or night, but hell could be a state of mind now, and is this concept helpful. A belief in hell certainly did help me quit drugs. However, in church today, the entire sermon was reviewing Obediah, which makes it abundantly clear that hell DOES exist. The entire sermon was about God’s “Just” Wrath.

However, during church the pastor said this: if someone spit and hit his kid, he would be extremely upset and jokingly said he would end up in prison defending his daughters and end up in prison ministry. Jokes aside, towards the end of the sermon, we were reassured of our sins being washed clean by Jesus. So, I fell into these questions of … if Jesus asks us to forgive 77 times, and ACIM says forgiveness is we achieve atonement, then how does this work when someone is facing domestic violence? Do you just forgive and move on? The answer, is of course NO. However, that doesn’t mean I need to retaliate back, which is I think what confused me about what the pastor was joking about. So yeah, I’m still a bit confused.

And TBH this has set me down a large theological spiral. Where I am again spinning between what to believe … whether that’s ACIM or the Bible, or “Yes And” or “Both” or the Richard Rohr side of Universal Pennentheist / Perrenial Philosophy / Universal Catholicism / Progressive Christianity … blah blah.

Anyways I’ll leave it there, but just know I’m still spinning right now.

I also can kick myself because I’m just so angry that I’m not being helpful whatsoever with this blog. I thought I would be helpful, and provide resources, and create an e-commerce site etc to support myself through a ministry stemming from Ms. Fay’s legacy, and I’m just really feeling quite ashamed of myself. First of all, for thinking I could make money off of this blog, but also that I’m not really doing anything productive for my faith other than just constantly being confused and spinning and circles and talking about it. But also, because I don’t want to demean the legacy of Ms. Fay, and I don’t want to navigate my partner (or ex partner I should say at this point) about hell, especially if he’s honestly really confused about it. And I don’t want to lead myself to hell, or anyone reading this. And I also am tired of hiding away with the stuff I’m going through. And also just scared of more abandonment, concern, and apathy amongst things. Anyways.

I am currently reading the “Sparkly Edition” of ACIM which is really beautiful, but I’m also following back on Sarah-Yayne Lee where she also wrote a new book:

You can find it on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Starseed-Jesus-Chasing-finding-Salvation/dp/1399969102

Anyways I’d love to continue reading her story, and continue to try to not be beaten by Satan, whether it’s through psychological, emotional, or physical means.

Please pray for me, and please help me continue praying. I don’t know. Lord, I ask you to just be honest with me, and open my eyes to see which way is which and what I should do and where I should go, and explain to me why I continue to remain in this toxic lifestyle.

Amen