Today: Monastic Interview, Yesterday: Another Breakup

Dearest J,

Yesterday my partner continued to call me names, like “retarded”, because I wanted to make a beat on a beat maker. And the thing is, I don’t think he’s nice. So I left him there in the art studio.

Today, I have an interview with my monastic order and I’m a little nervous. Because it’s require 3 more years of my life, and I’m not totally committed to the idea of it.

I think I’m open enough to it — bc I think it could work. But in the end, I’m not sure what to do. Is 30 min in the morning and evening, and regular prayer, and attending online “silent times” going to help me at all. I think the 1 good thing about it is weaving in the 12 steps throughout the whole thing, as the program really focuses on that.

For me, that would mean codependency. I still have that issue, and it’s really annoying and unfortunate.

I just re-looked up the definition of codependency, because I’m almost “dependent” in a way on this other person and his health insurance, a home, and friends.

In a way, I didn’t want to mix my friend group together with my relationships because I’m really trying to move forward in having an “independent life”. It’s very hard for me to go about that, and make that happen. And so, there was a festival a few weeks ago and I notice my Christian friends continue to invite my partner to stuff, and my partner invites them, without even telling me. And in a way, that doesn’t make feel feel ok. I feel like I have no division between the two worlds, making it very messy if and when our worlds will separate.

Despite the anger I have, he didn’t make me a breakfast sandwich.

Thanks <3 Fay