The Day The Cards Fell

Jul 30

Dearest J — And this time. I’m referring to J as in JOURNAL. Not J as in Jesus. This time, this JOURNAL is about me, and my inner compass.

This is what happened.

Before yesterday, in a state of mind where I was ultra confused, but also very depressed and sad, I changed my mind about belief. In fact, I started sincerely questioning all of it. In a sense, the dominos I think fell down.

So this happened on August 29, 2024. Today is August 31, 2024. I wrote briefly about it on paper yesterday, but I wanted to write the nitty gritty of what I’ll remember, so I can look back to remember. In a way, I also regret not writing this post sooner, but here goes.

August 30, 2024 (yesterday):

Dearest J, Yesterday was kind of a big day to me, “faith” wise, and I feel I need to write about it.

I did this:

ACA Religious Abuse Group
RfR Group - spoke to a person
Watched YouTube Video
(insert: told my sister I didn’t want her continuing to talk to me about religious stuff)
ACA Religious Abuse Group

And somehow — lost + was maybe ok with the idea of “not knowing” …

And now, I feel, I woke up different (insert: a little more playful). But — spirituality tries to pull me in … and yet — I kinda want it gone.

And I mean … ALL of it.

ACIM, the Bible, 12 Steps, Bahai, Unity, ACOL, Oprah, Marianne, etc. Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Jainism, Taoism, Buddhism, New Thought, New Age, CULTS etc ALL ideas that claim “to know 100%”. I prefer the acceptance of the Mystery … somehow. It did make me less depressed.

—

August 31, 2024 —

So I’m going to go here and explain what happened at each of these meetings to get me here.

ACA Religious Abuse Group

I spoke about how upset I was, basically. And how confused and angry, and how confused I also am about “reality” bc of ACIM, and how I’m living this double life going to church, reading ACIM, and going to Unity, and just this idea that maybe none of it is real

RfR Group - spoke to a person

Spoke about the same thing. There were 2 moderators. One guy was calling in and was suicidal, actually. I spoke to another person who was militant atheist and made me feel uncomfortable bc he also was speaking down about 12 steps etc.
I told them how I cannot talk about this with my church people, and also my partner said if I talk about faith, then he’ll kick me out. That I’m also relying on him for an apartment and essentially he’s paying for it. And I have a disability. I didn’t tell them I’m codependent and working on it, the atheist left before I could talk about my experience (which is not attending for substances, but attending for codependency and ACA).
- But when my partner briefly came in, I had to stop talking. And then I woke up the following day being open to cuddling, realizing that maybe I am creating tension with all this God stuff, that religion has literally (and literally IS) putting a wedge in my relationship, see the YouTube video below for how I can relate to her story about that, and that if 12 steps wasn’t such a huge part of my life or identity, or at least the “Higher Power” bit that I just cannot understand, then maybe I could just LOOK the way I want to (androgynous), shave my head, explore who I am, see if I’m gay, or bi, or whatever the hell else I have not been able to explore, the way I dress, understand what I like or dislike, truly try to figure out how I FEEL about religion, and define what I think actually happens instead of reading what other people have to say and just believe it as fact.
Anyways, one guy said, that though he considers himself an atheist humanist, he doesn’t really even like that terminology, bc he thinks, maybe the idea that we don’t know, and we don’t need ot know, is kind of exciting and fun, and makes life worth living. Maybe the idea that there’s more to explore, that we DON’T know all the answers, and that is ok. That there might be comfort in the unknowing, in the just staying present now, and doing what you can and appreciating today. As it is, in each moment, in each moment you spend with your family or friends, or the small things.
He said he wanted to leave the world in a better place than before, that he did care about making a difference, and he wanted to live in the moment now and appreciate each day.
- I don’t know, but this REALLY impacted me. First of all, bc in ACIM it’s not really about making the world a better place, but about making YOURSELF a better person. Bc the world doesn’t exist, so why should it matter. In a sense, that’s spiritual bypassing 101. But yeah, I’m there.
- In the other sense, this comfort in NOT having a formula to understand God, or feel this “control need” to fully comprehend that which I’ll never comprehend anyway.
- In a weird way, by not knowing God, and by that I mean not UNDERSTANDING the way God works, and not pretending that anyone else knows either, that it’s kind of an unspeakable thing like no one really knows what happens after we die, no one knows if there are multiverses. No one knows if NDE’s are some kind of weird brain thing, no one knows of each of us is God, if spirits exist etc. But in this unknowing, there’s an electricity in just saying that, bc I am speaking about the Unknowable, which to me is almost more Godly than anything I can read about in a book!
- And his focus on making the world a better place, well, ACIM does talk about that. And he cares about the moments he has. Bc I was saying, if the world sucks and everything is an illusion and isn’t real, then why have kids. It robs me of the appreciation for the reality that is.
- And I guess, he was saying that actually not believing in God has allowed him to actually stop focusing on that which he cannot really understand, and appreciate the here and now. Bc if there is no afterlife, and even still we can’t really know 100%, then wouldn’t that mean that we should appreciate each day and each moment as it is? And yeah. That impacted me.
- Mostly, what impacted me was this idea that it could be fun and exciting, that NOT knowing makes it less limiting.
- He said the moment he stopped believing was the moment he started living. He also said, that though his deconstruction (from fundamentalist to non believer) sounds really simple, it took him over 20 years. And that his point now in volunteering for RfR was so that the journey for others would be less long.
The other guy said, he also said he was very neurodivergent, but having a mind that NEEDS to know — this idea has helped him: “maybe saying “I don’t know the answers, YET” would help … as in that word, YET. Bc you don’t have to figure it out.
- I responded that 12 steps talks about 1 day at a time, but this idea of not knowing yet, is also helpful to fill out that concept.

Watched YouTube Video

Well, I watched this video: https://youtu.be/Ccwnnq9l78w?feature=shared
I actually also blogged about it, to share it. But the moment that got me, was that she no longer knows if Jesus existed. Which literally is the only thing in the Bible that says this person would not to be trusted, and is essentially Satanic. And yet, everything she was explaining was what I also experienced. I mean, it was mind blowingly changing. To the deepest part of my core. I mean, if I’m so confused, how is this helpful.
She’s a relationship coach, and her husband is Hindu. And that’s when she realized, religion and Christianity was pulling her relationship apart. Quite LITERALLY. And she came to believe that if religion’s goal is to separate families and people, maybe that’s not something to follow after all.
But yeah, the thing about if Jesus really existed, and she referred to her research, which I also researched on Josephus’ 4 different variations on Jesus which I also learned about through Bart Erhman’s “if the Gospels were written written by Matthew, Mark, Luke or John”:
- free course:
  https://www.bartehrman.com/did-matthew-mark-luke-john-write-the-gospels/
  also a little more info on the josephus thing:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRniktoLssQ

(insert: told my sister I didn’t want her continuing to talk to me about religious stuff)

I was really grateful, because she just said “ok”. And wow. Yeah, I mean, I was so stressed all the time about it. But she sent me a prayer emoji, and I told her not to send me anything, and she just said, OK. I mean, that is life changing.
I felt like 100 birds flew out of my chest doing that.

ACA Religious Abuse Group

I confided bc there weren’t a lot of people, so I could talk for 10 minutes, about the above stuff that happened to me that day. And yeah, it felt really good.
And the woman (I mean this is supposed to be anonymous but this is important to me) also spoke of how her mom was not very smart, and extremely narcissistic. And how she basically felt like she had to live to appease her mom, and wow I really just identified with that. And now, with her kid, she doesn’t call and waits for the kid to reach out. It could be weeks or months, but the idea is that she GETS to experience this person who has different ideas and opinions. And wow, it made me feel FREE.
- I told her, wow, I never knew you could parent differently. And I didn’t say this, but what I meant was, to not see your kid as a “mini me” where you’re trying to manipulate them into being who you want them to be. And just letting them be who they are and who they want to be. Mind blowing.

So now, how does this impact me?

Well, the cards fell. Similar to how the cards fell when I worked at a roller skating rink. And I heard RfR talking about this … how the entire thing crumbles. And now, I get it. I think my cards have actually fallen.

I’m still reading ACIM and ordering and receiving Bibles in the mail, and I’m really not sure where to now take this website. I changed the homepage so many times I lost count.

I’m not sure if I should still get ordained for free, but still curious and wondering if I might as well.

I feel like, if I don’t focus so much on faith or doing ministry for work, then I really need to re-focus on my actual job that I was doing before all this happened to me, which is focusing on work and figuring out if I’m going to continue designing. Or maybe hiring a career coach and slowly putting together the pieces to figure out what I actually WANT to do with my life, rather than spending all my time trying to figure out my spiritual life. I mean, it opens up a lot.

More like … I can EXPLORE religion and belief, without the fear of like, “I need to believe it like XYZ otherwise I’m going to burn in hell forever or be fearful of physical punishment here on earth or FORCE myself into a mental prison of C-PTSD caused by religious trauma syndrome”.

I woke up yesterday kind of with a quirky smile and turned to my partner, and after months of no-cuddling, I took his arm to cuddle me in the morning. I’m still processing him bolting me out of the apartment, constantly breaking up with me, and pulling my shirt basically asking me to use my car. I’m also contemplating over my role, and if I’m being a bitch bc I’m living in his apartment for free, but I don’t let him use my car, and if I’m creating my own abuse. Which I know for sure I am NOT. But still, I need to realize too, I pushed him away quite a bit in religion. This idea that we are “unequally yoked” and constantly thinking about the Christian guy I could’ve been with — and contemplating what that would’ve looked like to fall under “his head of authority” and the concerns he had over sexuality, or me wearing a bikini and posting an image of it or all the other freaky things purity culture could’ve created. Or the patriarchical ideologies of evangelical Christianity that could have been my life, instead of potential freedom to do whatever and be whoever, and blaspheme however, and just DO HOWEVER, WHEREVER, do whatever on Sundays and how to be or not to be. That is the question!

Questions I have now:

Will I have a community?
Will I continue on with 12 steps?
What is my Higher Power now, and what do I believe or not believe?
Who do I want to actually be? Who am I now, and what are my actual thought around life and my time?
How can I have a relationship with my sister, Mom, Dad, and partner if religion is not going to be the biggest part of it?
Will I continue to go to 12 steps, CoDA, ACA?
How will my relationship with my EA mentor change? Should I “come out” that I don’t believe in Jesus anymore?
Can I even admit to myself that I don’t believe in Jesus anymore?
Will I continue to pray, if I find it helpful? Are there alternatives?
How will my life change? Do I feel safe pondering it?
Do I want to hold onto my Bibles, ACIM, etc, or just get rid of everything and take a break? Or continue on, and research and continue blogging?
What will become of this website, and will I ever monetize it, or will it continue on as a personal blog?
How can I help others on this journey, through this site? What would a 12th step look like given my history of spiritual trauma?
What exactly IS spiritual bypassing, and is that what I’m experiencing?
Do I want to continue spending time understanding cults, etc?
Leaving Christianity after the New Age > Jesus movement is the most amazing thing I’ve heard in a long time. But more so, leaving RELIGION after leaving New Age > Jesus movement.
How would I define myself? Am I an agnostic atheist, humanist, I don’t know what I am? Maybe it’s ok not to know.