Talking about death at church
Dearest J,
I went to my old church in the old city I used to go to, and it was cool due to the topic, which was death … aka the Lazarus story (coinciding with what I was watching in the Chosen … more later!)
But at the same time, I cannot help but wonder … if I continue believing the same Jesus. I just don’t know if I can. The night before, I watched the Lazarus story unfold on the Chosen Season 4 Episode 6 launch.
I also watched the Chosen Season 4 Episode 7 last night (I think they were doing a global streaming). And that was cool, because it was really connecting. However, I realized even more … there’s no way I can believe in this resurrection story and take it literally.
Not because it didn’t necessarily happen, I mean who knows — crazy shit goes on in the world. But I question it for 2 reasons:
No one ever did that before
I’m not there to see it myself, so if I cannot see it it myself with my own eyes or see proof other than the written word, I don’t trust it’s real
The reason I cannot trust the written word is simply due to the amount of corruption I see, and given I work in media / tech / design / communications, I can easily see how things could get corrupted … even if they wanted to create a new class of Jews, I really dunno.
But basically, I’m also reading this book about how the resurrection is proven to be true, and I’m just at the point where I cannot believe it anymore.
I absolutely LOVED going to church, don’t get me wrong, just bc it was a beautiful service. And I found myself raising my hands and singing. But I just cannot keep lying to myself. And with that, at least I’m being honest with myself.
I’ve also been unpacking a lot in the last 2 days how my connection to a Christian guy I once knew plays out in this story, as well as the story of my sister (who is a fundamentalist evangelical), and the spiritual abuse I now know happened (via a fear tactic) from a nurse who I only saw once after a hospitalization 10 years ago.
The issue is more, how this also affects any other kind of spiritual path I am curious about. And there have been many:
A Course in Miracles
Buddhism
Tarot
Astrology
Crystals (though less for their “powers” but more for their beauty, although who knows you know?)
Food
Veganism + Healthy Food + Green Juice
All Meat Diet
Fasting
Christianity
Prayer
Biblical Literalism
2nd Coming
Mental Health + the trauma of knowing it could’ve been a huge factor in me developing psychosis and being hospitalized
Drugs
The war on drugs and possibly how that effected the 60s, the Nixon era, etc
My Jewish Roots
And how my Grandpa going through the Holocaust, how that might’ve influenced him transitioning to a “false Catholicism”
My Catholic Roots
Am I more Catholic than I am Christian, or is that just my boyfriends ideology and me trying to meet his, because I’m a rampant people pleaser?
My Christian Roots
The anger I feel from the spiritual abuse I experienced from my sister and the church for exorcising me of demons and me throwing out all my self help, tarot, and a bunch of other stuff only to get yelled at and told I had trauma to deal with, which was sad
My ACIM Roots
Learning it was linked to MK Ultra, and now me questioning it, as well as learning in Christianity that channeled texts are demonic …
And basically the ties to Christian Science, the New Thought Movement (and how Donald Trump was also raised in the New Thought Movement)
How connected this was to New Age for me, and astrology and tarot, and how I planned my life around astrology
And basically, if NONE of this is true … I’m finding it more and more difficult to put my roots in something.
And not just because my partner doesn’t believe. He actually does believe in God, or something, some kind of “scientific force” which I can also kind of understand. But he also believes in aliens and that 9/11 might be an inside job and all of this stuff.
And somehow … this always ties back to 9.11 because that was the day I was saved, after all.
And so now, I just question.
Yesterday in church, I went up for prayer to understand bodily resurrection. Spiritual resurrection I can understand. After all, I feel more mystical than anything. I’ve had mystical experiences, things that were beyond me but moved me very much.
And the girl that prayed for me prayed not only in the end for me, but also for herself, to more deeply understand these things because they are … lets say … hard to believe. How could a man be bodily RAISED from the dead, and did Jesus actually raise the dead body, or was it more spiritual? I mean was this entire story more spiritual? Was Lazarus just in a coma? I mean I have ALL these questions.
And watching the Chosen made it even MORE obvious that either the text itself (as in, the Bible) cannot be taken literally (at least from my perspective, I cannot believe that this can actually happen) or that there was a spiritual explanation similar to what Fr. Richard Rohr speaks of. It’s a spiritual analogy.
I’m kind of either fully deconstructing as a Christian, and I do worry about this because of whoever is reading this blog, whoever has followed me and is hopeful that I remain a Christian, or for those who are comfortable with where I’m at in my own “relationship with Christ” or for those in my church who actually don’t want to be associated with me bc all we had in common was going to church together. And for my identity being Christian, which I don’t know if I can even believe that anymore.
So where does this leave me?
I’m unwilling to completely give away my faith. There’s a lot of benefits I find in it. First of all these are my fears / thoughts:
If I don’t believe in Jesus, and God is real, and the Holy Spirit is with me, and I actually stop believing, will I go to hell?
What about all the NDE stories of those who went to heaven but aren’t believers?
What about the community I built, the friends I made, and those I want to continue connection with? How can I come out as … not evangelical fundamentalist? How can I explain to them that I have my OWN relationship to Christ, and possibly that I’m not even a Christian by the standards that are required to believe in the Christian God?
Should I just continue to look for another path?
What will my sister or mom think, and will they stop respecting me? Will my sister just tell her whole church and I’ll have to contend with my deepest fear and idol, which is worrying about the judgement of others?
What about Ms. Fay’s Bible? I’ve already written my name in it, and it was gifted to me. Would I be letting her down, or her daughter or granddaughter? What role do I play in the faith of others and their faith? I don’t want to upset them or make them feel used. Same with my old church in NJ bc they did let me come along to the Middle East trip, after all.
What about this website, this blog? Am I a Christian blogger still, or someone confused? Do people care about confused Christians who are constantly in a deconstruction/reconstruction cycle, or is this just for me?
Is the idea of selling digital Bibles still ethical? Or digital ACIM books especially if the fundamentalists are against it? Would it be ethical to sell ANYTHING actually related to faith at all if I’m so confused by it? Do I believe in the things I sell? Is this wrong, and is this safe for my mental health?
What about my other business where I sell self-help stuff and stuff on personal development? Do I believe in that either, or is it actually unhealthy for me mentally for me to be creating content around this, when I’m really not sure what any of it means? Who am I, and what do I believe, and what can I stand behind that makes ANY sense whatsoever?
What about my 12-step sponsor who is Christian, will I be letting her down? If I’m not a Christian, bc she’s asked me before, almost felt like testing akin to my sister, on if I believe that Jesus is my Savior and died for my sins and was resurrected on the 3rd day … I mean, I don’t want to lose her as a sponsor. But I’m also kinda scared. I don’t know. I think I’m just upset and scared overall.
Were the 12 steps a hoax? Did I recover from anything? Is ACA a sham if I am agnostic? How can I even believe in a higher power when I simply can’t? Can recovery even be possible if your higher power is your hope for your greatest potential, which you can reach and then realize is no longer the greatest?
All these questions and more.
God, if you’re out there you’d have to kind of work with me on all of this. I’m not willing to totally throw in the towel. After all, I find all this fascinating. But I cannot help but wonder if this is all one big ADHD or Autistic hyperfixations. Or if I even have either of those conditions. But I probably AM neurodivergent. And if I lose my special interest or hyperfixation, THEN WHAT? This special interest has not brought me a lot of peace. Which is why I’m beginning to now think it’s a hyperfixation.
And I long for a place like Camp Hidden Valley … which brought together a community of women, not around Jesus of Faith, but just around a shared fact that we’re together. That this is community. That this is communal. And we’re in nature, but nature isn’t the thing that unites us. It’s that we’re all here together … just spending time with one another and taking care of business and life and happiness an joy, without the pressures of the world on our shoulders. So yeah. I dunno. Maybe that’s what Fayth™ will become … a secular space for those confused by faith, who are maybe deconstructing or reconstructing, but just need a safe space to just be in community without the pressures. But with ritual.
We shall see.
In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.
<3 Fay
