The more I learn about HP through step work the more I realize just how different HP was shared with me before:

Old ideas of God:

- God punishes

- God can and would kill you whenever he feels like it if you disobey etiquette

- Told many times “aren’t you ashamed under God” for saying this or that in response to emotions of anger or establishing boundaries

- Implied I’d feel guilt in the here and now and it’d be used to emotionally manipulate / punish me through silent treatment or verbal abuse, eating alone in my room or not eating at all

- If not feeling guilt now, God would seek retribution and justice against me in the afterlife.

- Unbelievers would have their skin literally burned off their bodies forever and ever.

- Throw out books / burn items that don’t align with literalism, go around to little book houses to filter through any “non fundie books” to destroy

- Anyone who sees it different needs to be prayed for and expelled of demons

- No secular music, videos, media, hanging with non believers, homeschooling encouraged

- Purity culture to the point of not kissing anyone til your wedding day, no touching yourself or a parter until the day you get married, and even then the other person is “responsible” for your body

- Distrust of science and the “world” including people who don’t believe that way

- No working with or hiring non believers

At that point, I realized … I was in hell, that hell was my actual reality. Either that, or this God is full of shit.

So — No wonder I’m so confused and am perfectionist if about HP. Really been unpacking this and embracing a HP of my own Understanding.

I started to understanding a living HP — until my sister made me into a witch.

I could hardly go to bed last night just thinking of how angry I was at my sister for all the spiritual abuse I experience in my most vulnerable state after my hospitalization.

So at this point I’m still oscillating between agnostic atheism and mystical Christianity.