Birthday Postulancy

Dearest J,

It’s my birthday! And I was finally emailed a follow-up about my application for new monasticism, where I’ll be interviewing for postulancy.

That’s exciting. I feel like I’m coming to a more “holistic” conclusion with all this stuff — with all my beliefs, and whatnot.

Something I’ve learned really well from this one Christian a while back has been boundaries around how someone speaks to you.

You see, I grew up in a very hostile, abusive environment. My parents did not speak kindly to one another, and somehow I grew up with that as my “default normal”.

And in my relationship — my partner is very harsh in the way he speaks to me (I originally did not use want to use gendered language here — not bc I’m “woke” but because I want to remain anonymous — not only due to my 12 step work, but just so that I can really be honest with y’all here … but women are the one’s who often deal with a lot of domestic abuse so it’s worth mentioning here as to at least support the women who go through things like this).

And so, if my (non-Christian) partner has not been speaking kindly to me (especially not even today, on my birthday), I realized … it’s better to not even share an evening together. I’d rather spend time with my Christian community group.

I asked him to get something from a side pocket and he was wearing headphones this morning to drown out the Christian radio. When asked, he said “WHAT DO YOU WANT” in a not nice tone, almost angry to remove his headphone. We were on the way to the gym. I realized, I don’t think he’ll change.

And as I contemplate this, I also contemplate … Christ LOVED me. He really did, and if Jesus himself loved me so much, and God loves me, and I can be nice to others — then I shouldn’t settle for table scraps of kindness.

And I need to get my ostrich head out of the dirt … and realize, he might never change, right? So why do I continue putting up with it.

And so — I am at a turning point. A fork in the road, if you will.

This is where I imagine myself. I am now 38 years old. If I continue being with this person, or allowing this person to continue speaking to me this way, I will be the same next year. And I will eventually turn 40, and be unhappy.

Why am I remaining in this codependency? Why am I still unhappy yet remaining here.

I must continue to work on my emotional sobriety — through it all.

Amen <3 Fay