What God?
Dearest J,
Yesterday I went to the Holocaust Museum. After seeing the atrocities there, and dealing with my sister’s fanatical Christian Fundamentalist Evangelicalism … there was a moment I won’t forget.
There was an area where they showed all the book burnings.
When I told my sister “see this is why you don’t rip up books or burn them” (as she rips up books on evolution she finds, and even says we should burn them).
She said, she has “free will” and she can do whatever she wants.
And to that, I think the deal was done. I’m done with all religion, and people who want to impose their ideas as the right ones to erase all other ideas … is to me propaganda.
If an idea is true, I would see no reason to feel so fearful that your idea won’t be believed that you destroy the evidence of all other ideas. I guess unless you think people are dumb and cannot think for themselves … because surprise we’re all just computers just being programmed by the stuff we consume.
So in the end … I think October 9, 2024 sealed the deal for me and not so much that I don’t believe in God, but what kind of God, if there was one, would allow for 6 million of “His Chosen People” to die, in ways I think much were worse than the way Jesus died. Honestly some of the shit I saw, was unbelievable to me. So I dunno, I really lost my faith I guess.
That in combo with my sister, and her extremism.
So I took action right then and there:
I removed myself from my old church “prayer thread”.
I blocked the daily texts of my old pastor and deleted them off all my devices.
I fired my 12-step sponsor who is Christian and explained to her my reasoning, in the kindest way possible. She really has done a lot for me, so I’m grateful to her, but I’m too triggered to continue with the language she’s using for references.
I told my sister to stop telling me to read the f*cking Bible since I already read it 4 times, and probably more like 7 if I just think of the New Testament alone.
I’ve thoroughly read the Bible from cover to cover at least one time in full sitting, over the course of a year. I think I have read other parts several times, like for example I probably read Ecclesiastes at least 10 times. Or Genesis several times, or the Gospels like maybe 7 times. Etc.
I’ve dug deep into theology and apologetics, watching a lot of videos.
I really started to understand cult theory.
I’ve approached Christianity from many angles, including religious trauma (like RfR and ACA for Religious Trauma Survivors) and faith just cannot hold up to some of the obvious claims.
I have prayed and not really sure if it helped me feel more empowered, or less empowered. But I’m leaning on less empowered.
Once I realized that “Yahweh” was … and I quote from Wikipedia:
This article is about the ancient Levantine deity. For the modern Judeo-Christian conception of Yahweh, see God in Judaism, God in Christianity, and God in Abrahamic religions. For the name "YHWH" and its vocalization, see Tetragrammaton. For other uses, see Yahweh (disambiguation).
Yahweh[a] was an ancient Levantine deity, the national god of the Israelite kingdoms of Israel and Judah,[4] and later the god of Judaism and its other descendant Abrahamic religions. Though no consensus exists regarding the deity's origins,[5] scholars generally contend that Yahweh is associated with Seir, Edom, Paran and Teman,[6] and later with Canaan. The origins of his worship reach at least to the early Iron Age, and likely to the Late Bronze Age, if not somewhat earlier.[7]
In the oldest biblical literature, he possesses attributes typically ascribed to weather and war deities, fructifying the land and leading the heavenly army against Israel's enemies.[8] The early Israelites may have leaned towards polytheistic practices as their worship apparently included a variety of Canaanite gods and goddesses, including El, Asherah and Baal.[9]
In later centuries, El and Yahweh became conflated and El-linked epithets such as El Shaddai came to be applied to Yahweh alone.[10] Some scholars believe El and Yahweh were always conflated.[11][12][13] Characteristics of other gods, such as Asherah and Baal, were also selectively "absorbed" in conceptions of Yahweh.
Over time the existence of other gods was denied, and Yahweh was proclaimed the creator deity and sole divinity to be worshipped. During the Second Temple period, speaking the name of Yahweh in public became regarded as taboo,[17] and Jews instead began to substitute other words, primarily adonai (אֲדֹנָי, "my Lords"). In Roman times, following the Siege of Jerusalem and destruction of its Temple, in 70 CE, the original pronunciation of the god's name was forgotten entirely.[18]
Yahweh is also invoked in Papyrus Amherst 63, and in Jewish or Jewish-influenced Greco-Egyptian magical texts from the 1st to 5th century CE.[19]
So yeah. After all this … I think I give up on God.
And now … I MUST decide what I will do with this site, because I no longer believe in this “deity” after some tough thoughts. Hmm! I will need to think.
There definitely is some grief, here.
I even tried to read “A Course in Miracles” today, but because the whole thing is using Christian language (even if it’s not Christian) but invokes mindfulness meditation, I think I’m out of that too. Which kind of also sucks, mostly bc I put so much time and energy into it.
It also effects my relationships with people, my partner, and community. I feel conned and confused, and quite angry honestly. Not to mention depressed and sad.
A note on my faith-based businesses I wanted to create:
I originally wanted to create 2 etsy shops for iPad Bible and ACIM journaling
However, I think even with my other business(es) … that if I do not believe in them from an ethical perspective, I do not know or feel good about continuing to promote these things or even selling them to continue pulling people into deeper lies … I would feel bad about that.
I do not know if I believe in an afterlife or judgement. But then again, I do not know. I really don’t know how I feel anymore about ANY of it.
If there’s no afterlife, and people want to believe a lie, should I just let them? Could I live with myself just doing it to make ends meet?
I dunno.
I really don’t know if I believe in ACIM, or any of it anymore. Even the UU church that I attended used the term “God” and “Universe” and “Spirit” … which I just simply don’t think I can even tolerate at all at this point. It’s all very difficult to deal with, but its’ more than I can bear.
Given I’m going to a wedding today where a Catholic priest will be marrying the couple, I dunno how I’ll deal with that either. But I’ll just have to put up with it I guess!
It’s funny that I got ordained. It’s funny because I think I’m an Atheist Minister. Maybe this website is going to be about atheism from now on, or modifying 12-steps for atheists. Honestly, it’s hilarious and also quite sad. It’s not funny, but it’s ironic. That’s probably the better word for it.