Dearest J,

Yesterday night after a particularly difficult time speaking with my Mom (and it really poorly affecting me even through today) … I got to questioning it all. I got to the point of feeling extremely alone and isolated. I felt a need to maybe pray. To maybe call out to Jesus. And I did call to Jesus.

However, my “recovering from religion” personality started creeping up and shouting at that voice within that was looking for help.

This is kind of what it sounded like:

Voice 1: “Jesus, I’m feeling very alone”.

Voice 2: “HELLO Jesus doesn’t exist!”

Voice 1: “BUT I FEEL SO ALONE. Even if it’s not real, could the concept be helpful?”

Voice 2: “It could be actually hurtful!”

Voice 1: “Yeah, but don’t the religious live longer?”

And on and on it went like that.

And so here I am. I keep changing the title of this website, I continue to change my theological position. I continue to read ACIM while being very well aware now that a lot of people can get hurt spiritually even through ACIM. That once you “idolize” anyone, as I did MANY TIMES NOW, that could turn ugly. I’m starting to realize a few things:

• Maybe I’m addicted to spirituality

• Maybe spirituality works in 12-steps because it replaces substance addiction with another addiction, in this case a spiritual or self-help addiction

• Is the replacement addiction helpful, or could it actually cause more harm?

• Is doing this much study and thinking about spirituality actually GETTING me anywhere?

• What else would I be doing, if it wasn’t for this theological stuff?

• What has all this spiritual thought cost me?

• Have I gained anything through my spiritual studies?

• Can I actually earn a living through these spiritual studies?

• Have I earned any more inner peace through spiritual studies?

• What even do I actually BELIEVE about God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, and all these other ideas? Do I have my own connection — as in, do I follow a Biblical, ACIM view (which I think I tend to lean more to) or maybe I don’t believe in any of it?

• What do I actually believe, if I weren’t to “follow” or “regurgitate” other people’s ideas?

So J, here I am. I really do not know what to think. I do feel different after the 9.11 post. I do feel different since becoming “ordained”. I feel I’ve graduated from the period of time where I am questionining, and now it’s time to start ANSWERING my own questions instead of asking more.

I think it’s time.

Until I answer my own questions, I’m going to quit searching. AMEN TO THAT!